It’s My Way or the Highway

I am really just trying to be funny or cheeky with the title. That attitude is so not me. Like the very opposite of me most of the time.

But it is something that I have seen a lot of in past partners and in divorced women.

It tends to be a pattern there that, if you really think about it, makes complete sense. They spend their lives living for someone else and feel it is time to live for themselves.

There are times I envy that attitude, but I also never want to be that hard or rigid in my thinking. Why can’t there be a compromise? Why can’t you get some of what you want, and I get some of what I want?

I was doing some overthinking about this yesterday. Wondering what it is I really wanted and if I’m getting it. I am really a pretty simple girl. What I need is peace, security, and connection. Those are my needs, and I can try to give myself some of these.

But I want that sense of belonging. Yesterday, I got a message from the universe that first validated and understood that I was feeling loneliness and isolation deep down, but I was looking at it all wrong.

I wasn’t seeing it as the rest and the opportunity to heal that I needed.

I had this big, long piece of writing in my mind, and when I came back to this draft later… It was completely gone. I couldn’t write it. I couldn’t sit there and think of a thing I was holding on to that morning.

So today I sit here trying to decide what I should consume. What can help me heal those things that have become part of my personality that are not serving me?

I can’t change my brain chemistry, I can’t change in a day 50 years of development, inherited traits, generational trauma, and the things that come with abuse. But I can look inward. Take responsibility. And do better going forward.

And maybe that means consuming different things.