I was just not reading a writing on Fet. Meaning I saw a title to a writing, opened it up, and immediately got sidetracked with my own thoughts and wandered around in my head for a good 15 min, then forgot what I was doing, and then checked email, checked to see if a message was read, and on and on.
This is how my brain functions most days. I honestly have been busy this morning for a few hours at least, and got some things done. Everything always ends up getting done, whether by me, my ability to delegate, or my understanding that nothing has to be perfect or overanalyzed, at least with work.
So, back to standing out.
The writing was about standing out on Fet, and I had also seen a group for attention slide across my feed today. When it did, I immediately thought, No, this is not for me.
It is funny, when you appear to be an exhibitionist online and share your naked body with an unknown group of people, others will naturally think you love attention and want it from anyone and everyone.
That is not the case for everyone who shares themselves on that site. But if you share that you are not an attention whore or set boundaries, or are mean to people who push their fantasies on you, you are seen as the problem. After all, it’s a kink site, right?
I am there to connect with how others live in that realm. I am there to be creative, I am there for muses. (Just like seeing the title will lead to me finishing this ramble, maybe.)
And then, when I meet someone I connect with on there, I am consumed by them and want their attention. I want to get praise from them and flirt with them. I can get a bit focused sometimes. But other times it is about disconnecting and randomly shutting down.
Or it is watching other couples and being so sad and envious of what they have. Sometimes I just want what I want. Long distance is no joke, and opening yourself up to a multinational site and connecting with people leads to heartbreak on a large scale. Sometimes that is why I shut myself off. I don’t want to hurt like that. I don’t want to want things. I don’t want to feel the jealousy creep in. I have lived an ENM or poly lifestyle for some time, but it takes security for that to blossom into being ok and to letting go of feelings you have. It doesn’t mean you don’t have those feelings.
So sometimes you see me, and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes I want to stand out, but not to everyone, just them.
Lisa Gray 