This isn’t the right title for this, but I read it just now and decided to use it.
I am having a bit of an issue, not a real issue, but something I can focus on and write about, so here we are.
I was thinking about my exhibitionism, which isn’t exhibitionism at all. For years it was a way to get attention, but not attention from everyone, just those special ones.
I wanted it to be public attention from them, though, so maybe that is a kind of exhibitionism.
Mostly, when I write, I have something in my head I am thinking about, and I need to get it out in this form to understand it. Or I want to be creative.
When I share photos and captions, or status updates, that is no different. I have something in my mind, and I try to create a creative way to get it out.
Lately, I have lacked that focus, that person to perform for (although with that person it was less of a performance and more a need). This isn’t just about writing, though. It is a complete energy shift. This is about orgasms, too.
I don’t share those as much publicly, but I love having someone to wrap my head around and share with them privately.
I also love it when they want me to, and they direct me, tell me to. I have come to crave that more than anything. Having someone feed me that energy and tell me they would enjoy watching me.
I had thought about writing a way to combine it with a video of one of my orgasms, but I struggled with the concept. I was going to put the idea out there that I have lost my muse, but maybe FetLife can be my muse.
But it is not the same. It has been a long time since it was just about me escaping and having fun. It was always very directed at one or two people, and I am struggling with getting back into the rhythm of sharing there, at least sharing things other than my writing.
But the most difficult part this weekend was thinking about the feeling of having a deep connection with someone and having the confidence to show them what that deep connection means to me. I miss having that focus and direction that makes it so much easier to pull that energy from me and give it to someone and watch the energy grow and feed each other. That is what reciprosexual is all about for me, and I miss someone reciprocating.
