I have been enjoying reading some of my older work. I posted a few things on Substack recently that got a bit of attention, and I was trying to think about how to follow that up.
I’m reflecting on how things have changed. They really haven’t. Not much, at least. It is more about learning the language and having words for it.
10 years ago I read a book by Julia Kent called Random Acts, and I suddenly knew the word polyamourous and thought, yes, this is for me (Ok maybe some things have changed). It wasn’t a new concept. I had been thinking about it for a while. My husband had let me know early on in our relationship that he was bisexual. It took me 20 years after that to figure out I wasn’t straight. It is about the person, and I finally found a person who wasn’t a cis het man that I could connect with.
All of this to say there are things within us that we can’t articulate until we have the words for it.
Submission was the same way. I have always had something within me that drove me to submission. I just called it “people-pleasing” and blamed my mom for it.
But 10 years ago I found Fet. I found a community, and suddenly I had words, and then I had people willing to help me explore, and other people who were educators willing to teach the nuances of it, not just the labels. Others with experiences they were willing to share because they wanted to help, but then also tons of exhibitionists and voyeurs like me who just enjoyed sharing and consuming.
I have learned a few things, but what I love is that there is still time to explore, there is still room for growth, and there are plenty of opportunities to connect with people to experience their perspectives.
So what exactly is submission to me?
It is one part escape and a whole lot about belonging. Because to be truly seen, and to hand over control to someone who recognizes the depth of who you are, is the ultimate form of coming home.
Lisa Gray 