(CW – talk of making yourself dead)
“For the janitor it was a blessing, for the boy who would become an artist it was a miracle. Because all that spring the boy had wanted to die.”
— My Friends: A Novel by Fredrik Backman
https://a.co/0acRnBdr
I have been highlighting the hell out of this book. It is for a book club and I absolutely love it. I love the way it makes me feel.
This particular passage is very poignant. You see, I have been thinking a lot lately about the feelings associated with wanting to take your own life. Had a few conversations and events that made me talk about it, too
I tried it myself a few times, thought about it in high school, and made a half-assed attempt. Then thought more seriously about it in the first few years of college.
Each time, there was something that held me back.
In high school, I could tell you his name. He has no idea he saved me. I was playing a game with myself. I had a personality that got bored easily, and my mom pushed us to have a certain kind of life, but then tore us down when we couldn’t get there the way she thought we should. We were pitted against our cousins, who were 5 to 10 years older, had different brain chemistry, and lived in a bigger city with different resources. Nothing was working like I thought it should. Getting molested and getting affection that way, and none from my mom, sure didn’t help.
So I told myself I was going to do it. Had a few ideas but kept saying to myself, if nothing changes by this time on Friday or Tuesday, or the next week.
But something did happen. I got some attention from someone and developed a crush. It was enough to sustain me throughout my high school years. I had something to focus on.
Of course, my senior year, I finally told my mom her husband molested me, and all the healing had to start over from square one.
I never got over needing that focus, though. Something I am half-assing working on now, which is easy to say when I have someone to focus on. When every day gives me something new to overthink.
I just have to keep my brain busy, and I can push through and heal a bit more every day.
Lisa Gray 