Worthy

This word plays through my mind a lot.

Growing up we were told that we were not but we needed to do so much in order to be.

We would never be pretty enough or slim enough so we had to find other ways to be worthy.

Worthy of what, though?

It’s funny how sometimes my mind grabs on to things. When you were not shown love in healthy ways growing up, you want love any way you can get it.

As an adult, I am drawn to wanting to be loved but not in the normal ways . I like feeling the push and pull. I want to be worthy of being loved and toyed with and treated in not so nice ways but at the same time, I want to feel secure in someone thinking I am worthy of that but much more.