(I kind of emphasized make on purpose)
I was reading something online, and it said to take a ride and listen to music when you are feeling down. This has always been my form of therapy, even when I moan about my 2-hour drive into the office once a week. It is still good for me in some ways, even if it is bad for me in most.
Today wasn’t that long of a commute; I just went from the house to my apartment, where I have my home office set up. But it was long enough to get some good tunes in. I guess maybe that depends on how you define good tunes. Erasure came on, and for some reason they and Yaz make me think of Daddy.
But there was another tune, and I thought of it as almost a bookend to our relationship.
One of the first songs I considered as our song, at least the song that made me think about him a lot, was Gracie Abrams Risk.
I’m not proud
Guess I’m just scared of you shooting it down
You can just talk, and I’ll stare at your mouth
It could be bad, but I wanna find out
And I wake up
In the middle of the night
With the light on
And I feel like I could die
‘Cause you’re not here
And it don’t feel right
‘Cause you’re not here
God, I’m actually invested
Haven’t even met him
Watch this be the wrong thing
Classic
God, I’m jumping in the deep end
It’s more fun to swim in
Heard the risk is drownin’, but I’m gonna take it
I’m gonna take it
This morning another song of hers came on, and I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want the universe to give it to me. It is about closure, and we don’t always get the closure we want. And I was sitting there, not in her position but in the other position. Living in a haunted space, waiting for ghosts to appear. Because they might. They sometimes do. And maybe it is the wrong thing for me. But sometimes you don’t care.
I was looking through some of her song lyrics, and so many fit. The thing with me is that forever, I would listen to these songs about big emotions and big heartbreak, and I wanted so much to feel them, but I never really had that experience. I didn’t date much at all, and I kept myself pretty closed off until I met my husband. He was very easy to fall in love with, but even as we opened up and I started “dating,” I still didn’t really date; I still held myself back.
And it is easy to open up to someone online because it is almost like this journal where I am talking to someone real across the screen, but sometimes I am talking to myself. This makes complete sense if you actually saw how conversations over text play out with me. I send long messages; I bombard someone, not waiting for their reply, just rambling and droning on.
And he allowed me to open up. He let me share all that I wanted to share, even while hiding parts of himself. He created a safe space for me that felt just enough unsafe. And even sitting here knowing that, knowing that I may be the one who knows him better than anyone, I am left with real heartbreak for him or the him I thought he was, the him that I wanted him to be in my life.
And part of me wants to walk away ’til you really listen
I hate to look at your face and know that we’re feeling different
‘Cause part of me wants you back, but
I know it won’t work like that, huh?
Walking away or letting him in deeper isn’t my choice and not in my control. Nothing was ever mine to control, and that is what I liked the most.
