(that means it is such a ramble)
I had something else typed up. In fact, it has been sitting in a draft on Fet for a few days. It was about jealousy and being reminded of a conversation I had with my latest partner about how jealousy is not about what your partner is doing with someone else; it is about what they are not doing with you.
I had seen some things play out and was watching someone I consider a friend have new connections struggle with this a bit. It was all veiled and not obvious, but I recognized some language that made me think they might be struggling. I am worried now about posting, because as it turned out, this friend who I wished was a friend wasn’t really a friend and blocked me. I don’t know why really, but my first reaction was that it had to do with me pushing for that friendship when he didn’t want it. But I have followed him for 4 years and I imagine both of us have used each other when we are lonely and I am happy that he broke that cycle and blocked me. Of course, I have an overthinking brain and wonder if there is something else behind it, but he blocked me, so that is a clear message after a long time of him being nice to me and me questioning and wondering, thinking there was something more there.
It made me think about something, though. Every time I get close to meeting someone I actually like from that site, they disappear from my world in an exaggerated way. This is the fourth connection on there and the second in a month that has disspeared from my life.
I would think it was me and get a complex, but really I think that is how it is now. You don’t really meet people online and make real connections, and the people you meet in real life don’t want real connections.
My sister and I have decided that it is just time to put our old single lady high-waisted pants on and be done with it. Unless, of course, we meet someone on our trip next month. That is the only way, I will get talked into another realtionship.
I had debated about making out a list of everything that has happened this year, but it is too long to type out. But moving out, multiple deaths, multiple other connections ending, planning a trip of a lifetime, worried about health issues, worried about work and retirement, and wondering if my body will make another 4 years or so.
It’s a lot, but whatever. (This last phrase is a joke; my mother died this year, but in the past few years her aphasia had gotten bad, and she lost her words. She would say whatever a lot when she couldn’t finish her thought.)
