Conditions

I was thinking about a few things this weekend. We were looking through some of our mom’s things, and I grabbed a watch from my dad.

It is funny how someone I did not know very well at all and have absolutely no memory of can mean so much. It is in his absence more than his presence.

In my mind, I think about the hole left for us. I have a feeling that he would have been one of those presences in your life that truly loved you unconditionally.

Every other person in my life, especially in my childhood, seems to have a condition. Many relationships felt transactional. That is the way our mother taught us they were supposed to be. We would have some type of value to add to someone, and they would give us security.

But nothing is ever 100% secure, is it?

In the past, I have always been very forgiving, very empathetic to things that others go through. Understanding of roadblocks. That is just the way I am built, and I don’t want to lose that kindness. But at the same time, I realize it is all a way for me to hold on to that security.

I want to be worthy of it in some way. As I get older, I am realizing that I am enough for myself. That doesn’t mean I have to say no to all the transactional experiences, but I don’t have to say yes all the time either, like my mother taught us.

I can tell myself to hydrate and go for a walk. I can show myself that I am a good girl.