And I Ran

I ran so far away

I was running around some this weekend listening to a playlist, and I have this particular Flock of Seagulls cover on the most recent one. It is by Hidden Citizens

I was thinking about the lyrics. So many of them fit a certain situation.

I never thought I’d meet someone like you
Meet someone like you
Reached out a hand to touch your face
You’re slowly disappearing from my view

But I was also thinking of a trait of mine I have had over the years. I stopped myself from doing it this past week.

I used to be good at running. I would hide myself, wanting to be chased, found. I remember a time in high school when I saved myself from ending things. At the start, it was running and hiding, waiting to be found, waiting for something new to happen.

Then, when my husband and I first got together and in the first few years of living together, I would not hide all the time, but I would grow quiet. I would retreat instead of fight. I did not want the hurtful things in my head to come out. I eventually felt safer to release them, but I am not sure that made things better.

I find it funny that when he had an opportunity to date other people, it was always the opposite of me. Those not afraid to speak up, those who had fiery personalities.

As I get older, I wonder about this. I am still someone who will not speak up all the time. But it is not about running. It is more about picking my battles. Who do I want to save my energy for?

I was thinking about others, too. Are they runners? Are they hiding so they can be chased? How long and far would I go to capture them and make them mine?