Attention

I am on a roll here with reflecting today. I need to work through some things. I read something last night that was a bit triggering and reminded me of some dark times. I got out of those dark times. I have been away from that headspace for a long time, but I can see myself diving into it again. Not in the same way I did back then. I am older and wiser, and my needs and wants are different (at least I hope so).

A lot of times, I try to use attention to help me through. This is one of those things I get from my mom, and my kids are not immune to it either. I can see it developing, and I am super scared of what that might mean for them.

When you are older, you can process this better, but I saw a post where an adult was obviously having problems with this and seeking attention to help distract her. It is so easy to come by that attention on social media that you can get addicted to that type of coping mechanism. What happens, though, when it runs out? What happens when people who are real but not real to you move on and find another shiny toy to follow and play with?

I have seen this pattern so many times, and I have felt it myself. I feel so guilty about looking like I am doing it too, even though it is others who are dropping me. I can’t really blame people for dropping me. I am words on a screen. There are some that I wish with my whole heart I could be more to, but it just isn’t the case.

For now, I will appreciate the good attention and try to ignore the bad. I will be careful of who I spend my energy on, and try not to be someone shallow that is there one minute and gone the next.