Is it a Flag?

I have seen a lot of good writing lately detailing what some red flags and green flags might be for doms and subs. There are plenty on the list to look out for as far as red flags, especially for new subs to watch out for. Even Glamour has weighed in (although there is not much there and they are mixing in dating with BDSM).

To me, the big ones are about communication, coercion and not respecting your limits. Can you trust them to stop when you say Red? Do they even negotiate that? What are they doing to keep you safe both physically and emotionally? Like I said in a previous post, if you can’t negotiate your needs or you are told your needs do not matter, that is a big, huge red flag. That is not to say you can’t negotiate in that experience. Some people want that feeling in a scene or a particular set of circumstances. You have to be able to take a break from that and have opportunities to negotiate and reevaluate.

This is one reason I enjoy Power exchange with people I have a strong connection with. I do not do pick-up play ordinarily. For starters, I am not going to try to test myself with someone I don’t know well. I am not going to feel the pleasure of giving myself to someone I don’t care to pleasure and please.

One of the things I was thinking about, though is some of the red flags people see when balancing kink and poly. Many times, we do not agree with or enjoy the way others do poly. We see their behavior surrounding poly and kink relationships as red flags.

As an example, many subs struggle with being in a dynamic with a dom that has multiple subs. The dom may have a different saturation point and can handle more than one sub. Some may already have responsibilities with work and family and understand that more than one dynamic and relationship is more work than they can give.

We all have different lives and different levels of ourselves that we can physically and mentally give. When we consider taking on a new dynamic or relationship, we have to consider and communicate to others what we are realistically capable of.

When it comes to red flags, not being able to communicate that is a big one. Not being able to address all our needs may not be a red flag; it is just not a match.

There are many instances where I see jilted partners unhappy that a person that they really want is not a good match for them so they lash out and say they are not good doms and they have all these red flags. We can all have our own set of red flags to watch out for that go along with the major ones that are there to keep us safe.

We all need to do what we can to keep ourselves safe.

We all deserve to get what we want and need, but just because someone can’t do that for you doesn’t mean they are not a good partner, they are just not a good partner for you.