Poly can sometimes be a struggle for me. It is work and work I have to do on my own. I can occasionally ask for help or support but there is no way for anyone to grab the thoughts out of my brain and reframe them. I have to do that work. Add in a power exchange dynamic where I give someone permission to own me and take away some of the agency I have been working super hard to recognize and use, and complications just start building one on top of the other.
Side note: I am a bit of an elitist and think poly to be not the umbrella term that Ethical nonmonogamy is but the actual ability to be in love with more than one person and in more than one romantic relationship whether you are practicing that or not. There are still 100 million (may be exaggerating a bit, but you get what I am trying to say) different configurations or constellations possible.
One of the things I was thinking about recently was the idea of relationship anarchy versus the relationship escalator. I feel I am more comfortable with somewhere in between. I see a lot of people who are kink and poly be able to get off that traditional escalator and fight the need to stop on the marriage and kids’ floors. What you see instead is the need to have that collar. I have written myself of the desire to be collared. Some people see that as a way to feel special and to have something that no other partner has. For me, it seems that people are just replacing a ring with a different symbol.
My struggle is usually not having that need to be different or special. It is the opposite. I want what everyone else gets. It takes me some time to say I am not entitled to anything and everything I want. I am unique and I am different as are all my partners so when we come together, it does not have to look like everyone else’s relationship.
Having said that, I can still create my own baseline of needs and boundaries. All my relationships need to have a base of feelings, attention, and effort that doesn’t necessarily have to match my own because we all show love differently, but it has to be there in some form. If I have a prolonged sense of being used or not used and neglected, I am not going to last in that relationship. Even in D/s relationships, I can negotiate for my needs.
If you ever get into a relationship where you are told your needs do not matter and you do not have a safe space to talk about them, then get out.
What is hard for me, too is figuring out how to have a linear motion and feel that a relationship is evolving and growing without any milestones or ride on the escalator. I struggle with seeing a sustainable way to just be in the present and enjoy what life gives me.
Still a work in progress.
Lisa Gray 