Which relationship has taught you the most about yourself?
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This is such a weird one to see and write. I am trying at the present to take a break from romantic and sexual relationships.
I read a post this morning, and the title made me think of someone and feel like the person posting the note was avoidant. I can be an avoidant, too. It is weird how our childhood development affects us. When I am with an avoidant, though, I feel incredibly anxious. I am a pusher and a puller. I want to draw them close to me, and then I sometimes sabotage it.
But I have encountered so many relationships, especially online, where the other person loves the chase, loves the lead-up, loves to win you over, and then leaves you. It is hard to be in the middle of that, but hard to see yourself in that, too.
The writing I read today was about seeing someone from a distance and, as they get closer, seeing the dust and the cracks of that person and falling out of love with them. That is a completely different scenario from the last relationship I had. They got closer, and I couldn’t look away from their perfection. I couldn’t see the parts of them that were not the right fit. I clung to the parts that I wanted, the parts that maybe I imagined.
And I think there is a fallacy in falling out of love with someone because of their messiness. We all have our skeletons and our cracks. That doesn’t mean we can’t have someone help superglue us back together with their love. Wipe us down, bathe us in it.
We are all worthy of that, aren’t we?
Maybe the last relationship taught me more than I wanted to be taught. Maybe it showed me how many cracks there actually were and how I might mend myself a bit first. Hopefully before I push too hard and push everyone away.
