I posted something g on my Substack about the messiness of healing. I have been on and off Fetlife the past few weeks trying to decide if there is a place for me there.
On one hand, I am trying g to work on a publication for a 365 day journal for submissives, taking everything I learned over the years to create something useful for others. The teacher in me wants to share and that is a good place to do it.
But every time I think to myself why I want to not be there or be there I am thinking about other people and what they want. I still haven’t figured out what I want.
But if I stay, I am giving access to people that I don’t want to have access to me. I hate the people that swoop in and take over when you show you have broken up with someone. They are the ones that will use you more than anyone. And they are just hovering there.
But at the same time, the people I want to interact with are used to me not being there interacting so they have moved on too and without some form of safety there or focus, it’s hard.
This has been on my kindle since my mother died. I don’t always have to have someone like she said and when I have been on this same spot before I latched on to the first thing that grabbed my attention.
Not doing that will be hard but trying to decide if I am doing the right thing for me or just pretending and performing for what I think others will see as right for me is a hard place to be.
Lisa Gray 