I did a rewatch of this a few weeks ago. As an emotional masochist, I sometimes need things to make me cry, but I did not realize how poignant it would be to me now.
Sandra at least had Keanu in the same town and eventually at the same time. He just had to die first in one reality.
I wonder what my penance will be in order to be reunited with my soulmate. Will I recognize that is what it is?
There were several lines in that movie that hit me hard.
“There’s always something better coming around the corner.”
That’s what she says.
Maybe that’s what that lady should do. [about the actress]
Wait for something better to come around the corner.
Kate: Maybe.
But if she’s not careful, she could spend her whole life waiting.
I can wait. I have things I can do. I felt rushed at one point to see this differently and push for things to get reassurance. But I have plenty of healing to do. I won’t not live my life, but I have had over 50 years of one already where I lived for other people. I still have some of those people to live for.
This house is about ownership, not connection.
It’s beautiful. Seductive, even. But it’s incomplete.
It was all about him.
Dad knew how to build a house, not a home.
The key is to be a little selfish and include a home. Include ownership and include connection. It can be seductive in all these things. You just have to build it that way intentionally. Say you want to do it and then do it.
Don’t worry, Kate, we will be together in time.
Even if we are far apart.
I will find a way to be close to you and take care of you.
This one wrecks me. I can hear his voice saying You are mine. I will find you. Damnit!! Fucking Sadists.
The story of my life. Keep everything at a distance. Everyone.
The man who was standing in front of me, the one that wanted to marry me,
him, I push away, I run from him.
In the meantime, the one man I can never meet,
him, I would like to give my whole heart to.
Dr. Anna: He must write one hell of a letter.
You have no fucking idea what his words do, what his voice does. You can’t even imagine how he created a space that fit me so well. Not perfect. There were things not right exactly. But perfect for me. Saved me at just the right time.
Unfortunately, she never learned how to stop loving him.
I found Alex’s parents’ story sad. But sometimes you do just want to love them and live your life for them. Especially when it is a good man you have. Someone who appreciates you. You are willing to give them what they need, and both share in the success. You never have to learn how not to love someone. You can keep on loving them. But his father was not a nice man. He didn’t see how her love and support is what got him where he was. Not all men are good men, unfortunately.
Pick a place, I’ll be there, I promise.
Tomorrow, what do you say?
Kate: But, Alex, it won’t be tomorrow for you.
You’re gonna have to wait 2 years.
Alex: I know, I don’t care, I’ll wait.
Kate: Are you sure?
Alex: I do.
I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.
I have been thinking about this so long. It was like a mantra in my head. Just pick a place, and I will be there. I will move heaven and earth to be in front of you even if it is just for one kiss, one touch. I just wanted them to be more sure.
You weren’t there.
You didn’t come
Alex: I don’t understand.
Something must have happened, I’m sorry.
I’ve got 2 years, Kate. We can try again.
Kate: No, Alex, it’s too late.
It already happened, it didn’t work.
Alex: Don’t give up on me, Kate.
What about Persuasion? You told me, they wait.
They meet again, they have another chance.
Kate: Life is not a book, Alex.
It can be over in a second.
I was having lunch with my mother at Daley Plaza, and a man was killed right in front of me.
He died in my arms.
And I thought, “It can’t end just like that on Valentine’s Day.”
And I thought about all the people who love him, waiting at home, who will never see him again.
And then I thought, what if there is no one?
What if you live your whole life and no one is waiting?
So I drove to the lake house looking for any kind of answer.
And I found you.
And I let myself get lost.
Lost in this beautiful fantasy where time stood still.
But it’s not real, Alex.
I have to learn to live the life that I have got.
Please don’t write anymore.
Don’t try to find me.
Let me let you go.
This one is so fucking hard. You can’t even imagine, or maybe you can. As I reread it now, it is even more difficult. It was the scene that really got to me when I watched it a few weeks ago, and I think it affected me more than I realized. He picked up on something that was off, and this, on top of watching and bracing for his pull back and disappearance, made the energy shift. So much of our relationship is about the energy we share with one another. We are so alike in this. We need the other’s energy to sustain our own and what we give to each other. And when one of us is off a bit or having a bad day, it can snowball.
But I can’t change that now. I can recognize it because the same thing happened in my marriage. Reading this again now, though, I am hit by how much he is Kate, and I am Alex. I want so badly for it to work and repeatedly want to try again, and he is Kate, saying we just need to live our lives.
And I understand that side of it too. He has created a good life for himself. I remember several times when he would talk about his phone breaking and not rushing to fix it. Loving the break from the screen so he can just go out and do. When it first happened, in my mind I thought it was some type of lie or excuse. I couldn’t understand that attitude at all. But talking with him and getting to know his life better, I can see it so clearly. If I were there with him in the place he created for himself, I could see more moments like that. More time not even knowing where my phone is unless I was waiting for his call.
So much of my existence has been pulling away and isolating over the years. Living at work or online. Some of it is my health and my energy and the way it has slipped. Part of that is depression and dealing with so many things all at once. Losing some of the outlets I used to have, like meeting with my trainer. I miss her. She used to say one thing she liked seeing in me as I aged is that I never gave up hope that there was something else out there. I hate seeing that slip a little.
But at the same time, I think about how he lives, and maybe it is time I live less online. I started thinking about this the other day. The day after he said goodbye, I had an old friend in my DMs pop up checking on me. He was a nice man, but like many connections I have had, they see me for one thing. They don’t choose me; they choose themselves and the experiences they gain. Sometimes that is because that is all I have offered up, or sometimes I have done that too. I have had a lifetime already of those meaningless experiences, and I don’t need any more. I have said that a number of times and yet I struggled with articulating that in a way that made sense. I want him and experiences with him, but because it would be with him, not because of the experiences. It is hard to say and hard to figure out how to sustain something when those things can’t happen for a while for some reason.
I shut down my Fet after thinking about that and deleted some of my message apps where people could do that. Just reach out when they need it, when they want to use me. I don’t want that, and I don’t want to do that to others either. And there is so much of that online now from different corners. I got a message yesterday off of Substack. I hadn’t developed that account much, but it was reposting some writings there. So many of these sites have a way to pull you in, and I have a hard time not wanting to be the educator, share my knowledge, and then blink and see this isn’t what this person is after. I had already gotten way less active on Facebook, and I can see myself pulling back from the online space. Not entirely gone from here, my journal after all. But every person, every moment in time can offer you lessons, even if they happen too late.
I got a card pull today from an email that some scammer signed me up for that I kept. It was the judgment card, which centers around rebirth and self-evaluation. I actually got pretty angry at seeing rebirth. How many times do I have to be reborn? The other part of this is self-evaluation, and I have seen the patterns. Something new always comes. I am even-steven and neurodivergent. Something comes that will take my focus. And that is the thing about these online spaces. There is always someone waiting in the wings. I can be in control now of that and shut that noise down. I can decide where to put my focus and not let others control me in that way.
I still want him to be the man who controls me, but if he won’t, then I will.
Lisa Gray 