Thinking about the Past

I just read a note that said don’t answer when the past comes calling, there is nothing more to say.

But when I saw it, I was thinking about the past. Thinking about the first few conversations I had with Daddy. They have been deleted and I am so sorry I didn’t save them. I have most of our conversations saved but not those first few message of getting to know each other and feeling the butterflies from the newness and potential of it.

I liked the feel of those messages. He had a commanding personality without taking advantage of it. You can have people reach out to you and either love bomb you or try to take on the aggressor role way too soon before even getting g to know you.

At the time, I was talking to someone else but I knew the other person didn’t have that right presence. I could tell he saw me and was trying to fit into a box he created for me. It wasn’t my box that I would even fit into just one he assumed I would because of my labels.

We humans are an interesting lot. I have many people assume because of the way I talk online that I can be controlling and could switch and be someone’s mommy. I can’t. I am also not submitting blindly either even though some might assume that. My brain can’t shut off 24/7 for that to happen. I am always questioning.

I have different roles in my life, too that come into play. I am someone’s mother in real life so when I connect to someone I want to divest myself of those roles.

They are still there but I want to ignore them for a little while.

I can see myself with a true partner again maybe and I could be all those roles. But I would look to the partner to help me set them aside sometimes or take care of them with me.

The hope and the longing is for someone to anchor me and focus my energy but it is not all about that selfishness. It is having a partner to take care of as they take care of me.