B – Bondage and Discipline (BD)
D – Dominance and Submission (DS)
S – Sadism
M – Masochism
July 24th was chosen to celebrate those living it 24/7, but you see way more hobbyists now than lifestylers.
I would say at this point I am just a hobbyist as well. I have dreamed of something more, but not sure I could live in the reality of it just yet. But days like today, where I intentionally took the day off to have a day of nothing and two or three things have popped up like a last-minute mammogram appointment. I could really get into someone else taking the wheel.
It takes the right type of person to trust with that much control over you as a submissive. I also want to find it within the confines of a loving relationship where I can be seen as a human more than just an object.
But today, I was thinking about and reading an article that highlighted how the community has been watered down, especially on Fet, once a safe haven for all sorts of kinks. But since COVID, a large number of porn consumers flocked to the site, and a lot more content creators emerged from a need for money in a post Covid world.
Before that, 50 Shades pushed it into the consciousness of mainstream society. It is not a bad thing to get more visibility and greater understanding, but society seems to only want to hold on to the pieces that suit them. Women in dominatrix outfits carrying horse whips or a woman forced to orgasm over and over. It seems to be more about the look and feel of it rather than the rituals and the practice. There is no real understanding of all that goes into these relationships and dynamics.
I am at just the right age not to be considered young and getting into it post covid lockdown, but not old enough to be a part of the old guard either.
It is a weird place to be seeing younger people getting to experience things you can only dream of at that age. You get to see change through their eyes. Evolution and change are inevitable. If those things didn’t happen, only the gay leather community would be enjoying the lifestyle. That is where most of today’s community evolved from.
But I see a disconnect on the site. It is so heavy with visual content that you don’t see the behind-the-scenes that go into some of the visuals. You do not get the understanding that what is a part of that very thin line between toxicity and abuse versus BDSM dynamics is a lot of negotiation and consenting. I am a huge fan of cult documentaries, and it is easy to see how thin that line really is. There are real predators out there taking advantage of that line, and there are also people who just don’t really understand or know how these dynamics work. It is like teenagers learning sex and relationships from porn, trying to act out what they see, not knowing the real risks.
There are a lot of great educators and lifestylers doing real kink and BDSM and talking about it on the site, but a lot of what happens is behind closed doors. People who want the visuals don’t read, and the people who spend time educating and writing don’t interact with the consumers of porn.
It is like the swinger and poly groups who both just want to live their life and secretly judge the others. Parts of those groups judge quietly, and parts judge very loudly. Mix all of these groups into one site, and you can see how there is a struggle to coexist. Those that do it well just ignore it, but that doesn’t lead to any true understanding.
I will continue to hope and dream for a dynamic with someone who can see the difference between abuse and BDSM and know where that line is.
For those already there, Happy World BDSM Day.
Lisa Gray 