Casual

I just read a title that says there is a cost to casual sex. I didn’t read it before coming here to think on it. Maybe I will.

I have been in a position recently where my body is not craving sex as much. I am getting older, and hormones are doing strange things. I am getting ready to try HRT, though, and we will see how that goes.

But life gets in the way, too, and then dreams. When I was with my husband, I was getting everything I needed and in a very secure relationship, at least for the most part. That security disappeared in the end, and now I am a big mess with that.

But I was thinking how with the secure foundation, it was much easier to play around with casual because you at least had one person who saw you. You had stability that casual doesn’t give you.

As I play around with online dynamics, this is becoming harder. It is a war within myself because I want the anchor, the foundation, and the security, but I have a very hard time with that without physical presence. I feel much more insecure and anxious, not having the physical energy to react to. It leaves room for doubt.

In this space, I have less desire for casual because I feel I need something real first.

But do I? Can I just say that I have lived my life and can continue to take this extra borrowed time and do whatever I want with it? I guess that is what I am trying to work out. Who am I, and what does that look like?

I have spent a lifetime living for everyone else, and I don’t know how to live for myself yet.