Not Here

There not here anymore but sometimes my body and mind can’t keep up with that.

It’s like there is still this pull toward them and it is hard to let go.

It’s funny, too how I was thinking about the ways we can never know people. I tend to share a lot. My brain doesn’t necessarily have the right filters turned on all the time. I am just honest instead of calculating.

When we meet people online, we learn about the person they want us to know. They hide themselves or curate what parts of them they want to push forward.

Depending on the environment, I do that too. As an introvert, I need context to share. I need to grab on to something to focus my brain, too.

That focus was always him since the first day he reached out. It’s hard to not focus on him, to not think or do things that circle around the idea that I was his.

Even when he is gone and I find ways to distract myself, I am still thinking about him and how he will see me. I even make decisions that pull out his brat. Do things that I think he won’t like because as a child I learned bad attention is still attention and really it was the only attention I got most of the time so I had to be happy with that.

Being an exhibitionist on a kink site can feed into some of that. But I try to be careful about seeing attention there as necessary to my well being. I don’t need a lot of followers. I just share what I want to share almost like a compulsion.

Same here. I think about something and I want to write it out to get clarity.

But in these actions you meet real people along the way but they are never real to you and I hate having to remind myself of that.