There is this thing that we do to ourselves when we are given new information or a new perspective on things. We see ourselves in an uncomfortable light because we know that we have been selfish. Maybe we learn about different archetypes and think about how we are that person, even if we are not that person completely.
I remember going through Psych 101 and learning about all the profiles, archetypes, or personalities. I am not a sociopath or narcissist, but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize some of those behaviors in myself on occasion. I frequently look at myself as the martyr and not the hero. But I know I am a hypochondriac, and anytime I learn about a new disease or disorder, I may worry for a second that I am afflicted.
So when you read something that describes how people are acting shitty (maybe it is a big thing or something little), you have to sit with the fact that you are more human than maybe you want to be, more imperfect than you thought.
I read something today that made me think, I was the asshole. And honestly, the writing was good and made me think hard about my choices, but it just gave one perspective. It gave a voice to one issue, although it was a good issue to bring up about how both men and women can be assholes. None of us is immune to shitty behavior. We all get online and feel more easy about what we do through a computer screen. We struggle with seeing others as human. The entitlement is off the charts in some places, and we do tend to blame the men. But women are not immune to this.
Then throw in someone with anxiety and all the overthinking that you do, and you have a huge shit storm mess to contend with. I hate always needing reassurance. I don’t want to have to ask for it all the time.
But sometimes you have experiences with people that are supposed to love you or say they care about you, do shitty things to you, and your security goes out the window. The problem is that it does not always get directed at the right person, or the right person is no longer there. So it bleeds out all over your other connections.
And you sit there thinking about your feelings and feeling bad for your behavior, and want to feel better, so you push it off on someone else to make you feel better.
But maybe it is time to just learn to process and move on. Maybe you do that in most areas of your life, and it is time to do that now in this moment.
Maybe.
Lisa Gray 