I was thinking about crushes. I had one in my 20s that was kind of intense. He was in a band, and the type of connection there was: him as lead singer and guitarist, and me as a wannabe groupie.
It was more than that, but not much. He was just kind, and I just created a him that would be interested in me and write me a song. There were a few possible encounters that could have happened if I were brave enough. He was involved in my first threesome invite, but I hated the idea of sharing him with the specific friend he was making out with while they made me watch. (Ok, I am rambling.)
Years later, we reconnected, and I finally got the experience the teen version of me wanted. He and I and his need for me. But as he walks into my hotel room and we start kissing, I am shaking. My mind can’t settle down, and I am so nervous, and my hormones are doing weird things to my body.
I remember gaining the attention of Mr. Predator and thinking about that same feeling. I was all shaky the first time he showed interest in owning me. It wasn’t just a flirtation; it was something more, at least it was in my mind at that time.
This week, I was kind of thinking about those connections. Some are easy. Some start simply as friends, and you have no expectations, but there is a feeling that this person is someone in your life, someone important. That is how it was wth my husband, so I know that those types of connections last more easily for me.
But you also have those that make you mad, make you nervous, make you feel on edge. It could be an unhealthy thing. A walking on eggshells for an abuser type thing. I have had people who made me feel that way at least temporarily, if not all the time.
Sometimes it is me. It is my trust issues. Maybe I don’t trust myself, or maybe it is just them. It is not always about my low self-worth. My body is telling me there is something wrong.
It can be hard to decipher those feelings when hypervigilance has you paying too much attention and caring too much about your safety.
The masochist in me wants some of those feelings. There is something easy about pining away for someone you know you can’t have. Something about trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together when they keep shuffling around.
But my hope is for a better balance. I want the hormones, but maybe the good hormones. I want honesty and trust on both sides. I want to be secure enough to just play around with those anxious feelings without living in them.
Lisa Gray 