The ride into work always leaves me feeling contemplative, moody, sad, happy, all sorts of things depending on the song that pops up. I had several today that made me think about the things that I was missing.
I don’t want to do that, though. Not all the time. I think sometimes it can be cathartic to think about where you have gone, but also want to think about where to go from here.
Another part of me wants to ride the ride. So I have sat in my space and thought about what I want, even though it is not real, or if it were, it would be hard to maneuver and act on.
I let thoughts of Daddy come in and out of my head. He won’t ever not be there. Lately, it has been his encouragement to get creative and do “little” things. I have been drawing, coloring, and finishing a puzzle. Thinking about my beast and my library and being locked away so that I can be all his. Looking into his eyes to find the real beast inside.
Listening to music, especially older tunes, puts me in that headspace too. Today, I was reminded of heartache and how songs used to pull out my empathy for people who had to go through it. Made me a little envious of not having that big heartbreak. Now, I want to wallow in mine, and I am not even sure if my heart is breaking. It is a little. I can feel it. Breaking for the parts of him I want. Breaking for the potential, breaking for what I wish I had in front of me all the time. Breaking for the thought that it is not reciprocated or real. Breaking for the unknown of all of this and the security I could have but don’t.
Lisa Gray 