Iris

I have a love-hate relationship with this song. I swear every ticktock I happen to see when I open the app has this song on it. Today, it was a cover I forgot I had on my playlist.

I will be honest, this morning my heart is breaking again, and it is so easy to want to be the martyr and sink down into the darkness. There is quiet there. But it doesn’t feel as peaceful as it once did.

Patterns of behavior show up, and it is hard to recognize them. Part of my brain wants to ignore them and shut them out. Another part wants to signal boost them. Put flashing lights around them. You want to think it is different with you. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. There is something there hiding, and you think that if you could just see it, it would all make sense. But what if there is nothing? What if you are not really as important as you thought you were? What if you really were just the toy to be chewed up and spit out?

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to Heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t wanna go home right now

I can’t go back to home anyway. It doesn’t exist in the same way it once did. But maybe I will find a new home, one that is more inviting, and he can return.

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I really don’t care how the world sees me; I just wanted him to see me. When words matter so much to me, the silence is the hardest thing to deal with.