A Bit of Wandering

My head has not been feeling well for the last week, but it has had a lot of time to wander. Yesterday in the ER, I was able to finish a book that Daddy recommended. Recommending books that have impacted you or that interest you in some way is a love language. (I have a lot of love languages apparently.)

Today I had a massage that went a long way to making me feel better. It also gave my brain time to go here and there and everywhere. I have been feeling the need to share more with my partner. Some of this is to feel connected when he is busy and can’t share space with me right now. It is like when you have those silences that feel off and you need to fill them with something. True intimacy for me is being able to share silence. Being able to talk about everything and nothing without pressure.

But today, my mind thought about things to share, and specifically, I was thinking about him and our journey. The journey is the fun part, of course, and we have not necessarily been moving in a straight line. It has definitely been different from and influenced by my last dynamic.

In the last dynamic, I ran with it. Both of us are on the spectrum and allowed things to build up quickly, feeding off of each other and the idea of what a dynamic should look like. My mind also thought about how a lot of what we talked about was not much different than a sex cult. I am fascinated by documentaries on that. But I sometimes joked that my ex-partner should be like the guy on Tiger King, and he needed a compound, and I would be happy to live on it in my own tiny house. This seemed like a dream to my mind back then. I am fascinated by how thin a line there is between sex cult leaders and BDSM Doms and Masters. (Consent is the key line there.)

Now I am trying to think more about my wants and needs, and not just let someone tell me what they are or let my brain try to figure out what they want from me and give it to them. I will never completely get away from that. I know that and I am ok with that. But, I feel like I am growing and grabbing on to a closer version of what I want. I am looking forward to having a better hold on that. Physically having it in my hands.