This could be a number of people. But I am not talking about him or him even though I do miss them, too.
I have been thinking a lot about being poly and being in love with more than one person, and I will be honest, I am questioning that and wondering if I have ever really been poly because I am not sure I have ever been in love with more than one person.
Some of this is due to the way my mind hyper-fixates on people, especially when power exchange is involved. I am happy in the dynamic I am in, and I can imagine a time when we could be together, and I do not need any other relationship. I can see myself living for him.
But I am in a holding pattern right now. In this space I was in before with other partners. It is not time yet for that. We still need to get to know one another. We still need to see how we can show up for one another.
So I sit in this space, and I do my usual overthinking, and I think about the past and the decisions I have made. I have left a few people behind. Some were toxic, and it is good that I did. Some were never meant for me, but I still wanted them fiercely at some point.
Even though I moved on and put them in my friend pile, I still miss them. Miss the possibility of them. Miss the opportunity of what it could have been had I not dug into my brain too deeply and could have seen them for who they were. It can be hard to look up suddenly and realize that places you thought you would be and people you thought would take on major roles in your life are not with you at all anymore.
It is like grieving a future that never was.
Lisa Gray 