When their Words Were Your Porn

Their words, their love, their support have been important to me for some time. We have been chatting and fantasizing and when I come, I think of him and his words. But when those words stop coming, so do I.

I have had little chance to breathe the past week much less anything else. I have another week or two of hard things, but I found a breathing moment last night. I finally had my own bed and space to myself for a night and it was difficult to feel his absence. He has been gone for almost a month now and my head has been filling in all the reasons why. Many are pretty rational and as my life has turned into a complete shit show over the last week or so with so much on my plate and worries and decisions to make (which is hard for someone who wants nothing more than to be a submissive and have decisions made for me), I would understand and could give grace for all sorts of things.

But, at this hard time for me, I still spent a lot of time thinking of him, sending messages to check-in. My words did not disappear, just his.

I have had three online dynamics now where this ghosting, breadcrumbimg behavior was ever present. I love looking a the patterns so I have been thinking about this and wondering why I am attracted to and attract people that are emotionally unavailable.

I already see for me, that starting with an online dynamic is so much easier. It allows me to be controlled without losing control. It is an easy step forward. Texting and doing tasks my way takes less bandwidth. My mind will still be completely consumed by these people but in a way that I choose and is manageable for me.

As someone used to being slightly avoidant and having avoidant parents, this behaviour is not new. But as an adult, I want more than what I grew up with.

I am also likely on the spectrum and mimmick so when they start with love bombing, I want to follow them. It is a nice change from my normally avoidant behaviour. But that is not sustainable. I know that and when I see the change, my hypervigilance kicks in and what would normally be an ok rhythm, suddenly turns this avoidant to anxious.

These are the patterns that I see in me and I am wondering when or if I can break them. For now though, this is doing well at occupy my mind and giving me fuel to write and reflect. Always seeing the positive side even in the darkness.