Mistakes

How do you deal with them? For the last few days, I have been thinking about a mistake I made. I took ownership of it, but it has created guilt in my mind that has lingered a bit. This is mostly because I’m afraid it changed the trajectory of a relationship. We were moving in such a good direction, and I was hopeful about some things that now seem to have been taken away. It is all about social media and how I want to be perceived so it shouldn’t matter to the relationship but it doesn’t make me less disappointed and I know it is all my doing.

The interesting thought this morning, though was about how I want to deal with those feelings. I feel like that bit of guilt that is lingering could be taken away by being disciplined. A good spanking and some rough sex could really fuck the feelings away and quiet my mind. This is a big problem when dealing with long-distance dynamics. That option is not there for me to test out.

I find this whole thought process interesting because I never saw myself as a masochist in this way. I do come from being raised in a toxic environment but most of it was passive-aggressive parents and a whole lot of angry energy in the house. There was yelling but very few incidents of hands being raised or being chased by someone with a belt in hand (that did happen once and it will forever be etched in my memory.)

But now, there is nothing more pleasing to me than thinking about getting spanked, having my daddy’s marks on me, and feeling that energy of his disappointment in me taken away by using me. I want to show him I can take it. I can be that good girl for him, and I am willing to be his and his alone in this. He can own me and he can take away some of my agency. He has that power over me if he wants to use it.