We are getting closer to that day of romance. The day some of us celebrate our lovers, some of us celebrate our friends, and some do the opposite of celebrate in some way.
For me, it has been a mixed bag. I have a long-term relationship of almost 30 years. I have been privileged enough to have someone to celebrate although our wedding anniversary is a bit close to the official red and pink heart day so it hasn’t always been celebrated big. We have also see-sawed between feelings of celebrating and feeling like we should not keep romance to just one day a year. I think that is a fucking cop out honestly. But I have a weird relationship with love and romance.
As a teen, I was too shy with no self-worth so dating was a struggle. But it wouldn’t have mattered. My mother’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day and she always refused to share the spotlight. This year has been crazy with worrying over her health. It looks like she will be pulling me in again for her birthday after years of getting to have some distance from that toxic relationship.
It feels weird this year, though. I started the year with three solid relationships; my marriage, an online dynamic that has lasted a few years, and a new budding relationship that is starting online but has the potential for more. The last few weeks had me feel as if each relationship is hanging on by a thread. I am not sure which of them will last.
This sounds like a good start to an “oh woe is me” type of writing, but honestly. I feel good that I am in place I am finally making decisions for myself. Living for me. Really thinking hard about what I want. I know this goes against everything I have written about my submission, but Submission can be the thing I want if it is with the right person who sees my submission as an exchange for their dominance. A true power exchange where we both give and take.
Valentines can be about living for ourselves finding romance in each day and celebrating us.
Lisa Gray 