I’m looking at my inbox today. I have a few people who are pinned to the top. I also have a few people who recently messaged me or I messaged them. These people tend to gravitate to the top of the list as well because I try to annoy them on a regular basis.
I noticed on one of them, I hadn’t gotten a message back for a few days. (I know that is not that long and I am usually ok with that.) This particular person had been sending good morning and good night messages pretty regularly, with a few in between. I will be honest, I am not that used to that kind of treatment, but I do enjoy it when it comes and try to match the effort. After a busy day, I finally caught up with some things and decided to think about sending another message to check in. I have a hard time deciding on this. On the one hand, if they are interested, they will message, but I also want to show them I haven’t lost interest in them if they are the responsive type and love the attention of that. So, yes, I overthink this a lot and that is why I get along great with direct communicators.
Going to our message thread I see that particular notice at the bottom that some people may recognize. I had been blocked. Although the message doesn’t say that. It is super vague about all the reasons that I may not have access to engage with the profile anymore. I am left to wonder if I am blocked, or they just took a break from the site, or were blocked temporarily from the site for bad behavior.
This is not uncommon at all for many of us. As you have guessed, I am an observer of people and relationships. When I first came into the poly community, I noticed a pattern. (It may be significant that this was pre-COVID.) Most relationships tended to last no more than 6 – 9 months. You had time for the getting-to-know-you phase, all the fun sex and dating and NRE, then the relationshipy things start setting in and for some, they are left with a feeling of just having another marriage. Another relationship and person to care for and consider. They may also find out as they get to know each other better that the things that make lasting relationships like shared values, communication styles, or maybe even emotional maturity did not match up well enough to be sustainable, and the connection was just meant for that temporary escape and fun.
It is not necessarily a bad thing to have these types of temporary relationships. It can be fun especially if everyone is managing their expectations well. It can be hard, though when someone puts a lot of pressure on the relationship to fulfill a lot or all of their needs and then it suddenly ends. I have also seen people go through that insecurity and anxiety stage of thinking it will end and then making it happen by worrying about it instead of being in the moment. I am not immune to that anxiety myself.
I have been pleasantly surprised, though with a change in my thinking. A lot has come from a lack of time to devote to dating and relationship building. I no longer seek this out. I am open to it and would love to find a connection. I am no longer desperate for it though in a way that makes me want to fit anyone in that spot.
I am waiting for the right fit and the right feeling.
Lisa Gray 