Yes, all of these things are related for me. I have this toxic trait of martyrdom that plays into my emotional masochism. I sometimes break my own heart thinking that others do not want to be with me or set me as any type of priority in their lives.
I have partners and metas and want them to be happy. I want them to enjoy each other. I want to see them flirting and having a good time.
I also had a weird scenario where I had no idea who my metas really were and I could only guess at some of them. I still see those people as connections in a weird way. I want them to have that same experience of finding new people that will make them happy because I think they deserve it.
Even not knowing 100% if a person is connected to me in this way, I still hold those feelings of compersion. I still want others to be happy whether they are a partner or a meta or a crush.
This is not a problem and shouldn’t be. The toxic part lies in the martyrdom. I want to feel sorry for myself or get some kind of brownie points for putting myself last.
It’s like, yes go do all the things with these other people, I am fine. I want to be alone with my thoughts. Then my brain moves into these patterns every now and then where it wants to say wait isn’t it my turn? You are off running around doing all the things, but I want to do them too. I never get to do them.
This is of course a perception that I have and is not always reality. And, if I spend all my time being the martyr, when do my partners know that I even care or want to be a part of the fun?
It helps to remember that I should not expect people to read my mind. I do not have to break my own heart.
Lisa Gray 