Recently I had a card reading and asked about love. The cards revealed some challenges ahead and a lot had to do with the effort I was putting into it. This has me thinking of relationships and the energy and effort that you put into them. For a long time, I was feeling this new relationship energy (NRE) with a partner and loving how long it has lasted. I know it is just a matter of time before that fades. Is that going to disappoint me? Maybe. Is it going to be the end of us? Not likely.
I see many people, especially in non-monogamous relationships, get addicted to that NRE and as soon as it fades with one partner, they are out looking for the next hit. It is like a revolving door. Many people mistakenly see them as harem builders, but they never actually build that harem because they have a difficult time making all those relationships stick.
Part of this is because people are out there being the slutty selves they want. What may look like relationship building is actually someone loving the freedom to connect in many different ways. That is great. I admit I go through phases of this. I wish I did that more, but you need to be careful about being real with yourself and being real with others. It is so important to be honest about your intent and realize who you are and what you are looking for. This really is not that different from dating as a young adult before you are ready to settle down. In poly, people are actually looking for multiple committed relationships, so we need to be mindful of that. It is not just continuous orgies as the brochure claims.
Some may not know how to create a sustainable relationship and how to continuously feed it. If you go in full force from the start, you are creating an expectation for you and your partner that you will not be able to keep up with. This is lovingly known as love bombing. It creates a jarring effect when the energy runs out and you can’t keep up. Love bombing has a tendency to attract anxious attachers and if that does not match your communication or attachment style, you are setting yourself up for failure.
You may also have difficulty getting stuck in that slow burn where the fire peters out from lack of fuel or oxygen. You need to be able to continuously feed it even if you are trying to maintain other flames. That is not to say there won’t be times of difficulty or periods where you just do not have the energy. Hopefully, you are with partners who are empathetic and compassionate. You must also have good communication and not be afraid to be open and honest about what you are going through. Be prepared to be vulnerable.
Truthfully, I love that feeling of NRE. I could easily get addicted to that feeling when it includes being chased and pursued. You do eventually transition into that old relationship energy but that doesn’t mean the love and desire fades.
Living in the old
There are good things about old relationship energy. The time you have together creates the building of trust and security. When you have been together long enough, you have multiple opportunities to discuss your needs and talk about where the relationship is going. You know each other better and know how to communicate.
When you build that foundation and have that security, it is so much easier to feel that compersion. When both partners invest the time to reassure each other and build that relationship and build each other up, it is amazing how much compassion you have for each other and how much joy you get from their joy. It takes time, work, and lots of patience to get there.
Don’t be afraid of that old energy. Keep your eye on the future and take every problem as a problem you are working on together.
Lisa Gray 