“Mmm, Aren’t you delicious?”
We have already started out on the wrong foot here. When they say Mmmm or Yummy, I want to puke. Do we not have anything better to say? Can I feel a little less like a piece of meat?
I really should reevaluate my life choices. But you are supposed to go out every now and then. So I am told, at least.
One of the issues is that this isn’t my crowd anymore. I am not sure what my crowd is.
I just wanted to come and have a sip of a drink and listen to the music. Someone yelling in my ear trying to have a conversation with me just isn’t working, especially when I struggle with audio processing anyway. He doesn’t know that, though, does he? I should be kinder. That is what I was thinking until he opened his mouth.
What the fuck is wrong with people? One day I will find him. That faceless man who knows how to take control in just the right way. Maybe. I don’t care anymore. I had enough love to last a lifetime.
He finally got the hint and walked away only for someone else to come over. Is my resting bitch face not activated?
“I hope he wasn’t bothering you?”
This one was different. That voice was out of place here. The accent wasn’t quite right. But it was familiar. I was trying to place it.
“No. I am fine.”
I was struggling to decide what to do. A short, sweet response that didn’t leave room for a lengthy conversation seemed right. But was it?
I didn’t know this person at all.
Have you ever been in the presence of someone who makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? That was him. I knew there was something dangerous here.
Mr. Mmmm was a known entity. The kind of person who sees you as a means to an end. A replacement for his hand, his wife, fantasies of his ex. You knew exactly what they were looking for and had no trouble saying no or yes, depending on your mood. I don’t judge myself or others who make that decision.
But this guy, this person, looking into his eyes a bit too long, showed something and nothing all at once. He wasn’t here for something as silly as groping in the ladies’ room. His eyes were dark and gave nothing away. Or maybe they gave everything away in that nothingness.
That is why I felt scared. Scared in the not knowing. This stranger who looked inside me and wanted to pull out something that I wasn’t able to give.
It was funny, really, the way I was thinking about how he was too late. Someone came before him and crushed my heart into nothingness. Took my mind and body and ruined it. I was already contemplating the end of everything. (Not my life, silly geese. No one has that much power over you. Only you.) The end of connecting, the end of romance, the end of searching for that thing I can’t name.
“I wish I could read your mind.”
No, he really doesn’t. There is nothing there anymore.
He got closer anyway, and I started backing up. I wasn’t ready for whatever he was offering, even if it was just a drink and a conversation. But I could tell that this was not what he was about. He seemed too much for those trivial things. My weak mind couldn’t hold him, hold his attention.
“It is not that interesting. But hopefully you can find what you are looking for. Good luck.”
I walked away. It was difficult. I was cosplaying someone with confidence and power. I wasn’t good at it at all, but I moved to the bar pretending like I didn’t want to run immediately. I had to wait for an Uber anyway. One drink, then back to my hotel, then back on a plane, and back home. It was my last night here. I had hoped it would last longer. I know who I am, though. I am too old for this.
After one final drink, I headed out, not looking back.
It was a quick trip to my hotel, thankfully. I was ready to crawl into bed and dream my disturbing dreams. I was standing at the elevator when I heard him.
“I told you I would find you. I was very certain about that. I told you I am possessive with my toys, I like to look after the things I care for. You are not nothing. I said that you were so much more. I meant that. When are you going to believe me?”
I really wish I could believe. All I know is he will be my undoing.
Lisa Gray 