Thrill of the Chase

Do you ever get that feeling that they are not who they say they are? None of us is really who we project out into the world. There are all sorts of things that we leave inside our minds.

We all keep our little secrets. I don’t think I know anyone who is an actual open book.

But sometimes you meet someone who you can tell is holding on to something.

When we first met, I gravitated to him in such a strong way. It was on the verge of uncomfortable. I didn’t know what was happening to my mind and body, but they needed to be close to him.

I am much more naturally avoidant, but something about him made me anxious and clingy.

Deep down, I just wanted to be chosen. I liked that, the way he seemed to choose me. But it wasn’t a fairytale romance type of chosen. It was borderline Marky Mark from Fear type of chosen.

I am being overdramatic, of course. Now I am projecting my own kind of fantasy on it, aren’t I?

It took a while for me to settle into the discomfort. That is what happened. I did not suddenly get comfortable and secure. More like secure in the insecurity.

We carried on. We talked, we played, he brought out my brat and my little girl. No one else had coddled her as much as he did. That was the part that seemed to speak to me. It made all the other stuff go away.

But eventually, I would have to pay the piper for all my insecurities, for all the times my brat crossed the line. And he was taking score. They always take score, remember that.

I never really thought it would go anywhere. There were things I saw that I ignored on the surface, but deep down, I had a feeling that one day he would just be gone and I would never find out who he really was. That was my thought. I would just enjoy him while I still had access to his words. That is all I really had, wasn’t it?

I had already started to feel him pull away. I thought there wasn’t much time. I had planned a trip, though with my sister, and I was worried the distance would make it hard to stay connected.

I could feel something heavy that wasn’t just the stuffy cabin when I boarded the plane, like the doors were shutting on something. It was going to be a long flight. I had never traveled beyond about 4 to 5 hours. The trip over the pond was going to be long, with so much time to overthink, although I had a few dark romances to read and ghost stories to put me in the mood for our haunted tour.
I wasn’t sure I would be able to sleep on the plane, but I did drift off.

When I woke up, we were in Scotland. My head was heavy, but that is just what my sinuses do on planes. Getting up and moving around would help that. I was in awe the minute we drove away from the terminal. Something felt right. Like I was meant to be here.

I felt very guilty, though, that I got distracted and felt the need to send a message to him right away. I was disappointed he hadn’t left one for me. No be careful or stay safe message waiting for me.

I had already left a few that went unanswered, so I just sent a short one letting him know we made it safely. When we got to our first destination, a haunted inn where we would stay for a few nights, I checked my phone again. Still nothing. I had such an urge to take pictures and share everything I was seeing with him, but I also didn’t want to bother him with a bunch of random messages. I decided to just put the phone away this time.

This was unusual for me, honestly. Me and that phone were joined at the hip. But I felt like it was time to be present in the moment. Enjoy the place and take it all in. We had time to wander around the grounds before dinner, so I wanted to do that. Get my legs moving and take in more of my surroundings before it got too dark.

There was a lovely little path out the back garden and I just mindlessly started exploring. It was nice to get away from the crowd for just a second. I promise I did not go too far, and I kept looking back, making sure I would be able to find my way. I checked my watch, too, making sure I knew how far I was going out so I could make it back without overexhausting myself.

Somehow, I had made my way to a clearing, but I didn’t feel alone anymore. There must be a couple close by because I saw a blanket spread out with a few things that I couldn’t make out.

Time to turn around. I didn’t want to interrupt their moment, and I should get back to the group.

As soon as I turned, I saw him. There was a man coming from a similar direction to me. He must be waiting for someone. I tried to smile politely and go around him, but he caught my arm and turned me toward him.

“Wait, don’t you want to see what I brought you?”

“I’m sorry? Do I know you?” The voice was giving me a weird feeling. It was almost familiar, but the face was not one I had seen before. This man was a stranger to me, and I suddenly felt uneasy being this close.

I pulled back from him, but he just held me tighter. I was suddenly very aware of him. His smell and his large hands. Looking down at the point where his hand was holding me to him, I recognized the watch on his wrist. The face was all wrong, but the watch I knew. I started taking shallow breaths, and my body was reacting to him, but not in a way I expected. Adrenaline had me shaky, and I didn’t know if I should try to run or not.

When you think about someone for so long and have a picture of your meeting that involves a long, drawn-out kiss with a face you are familiar with, the reality of seeing a stranger that is not such a stranger causes fear and confusion over love and affection.

You suddenly know there is something wrong, and you are not safe, but are you not safe in a way that feels acceptable?

Are the hands holding you tight in a way that makes you feel bound and free at the same time, or do they feel punishing and restrictive? What sort of captive am I?

His smile deepened into something more ominous, and his hold on me was more suffocating than protective.

“Baby, I told you I wouldn’t forget. Don’t think a single thing you do goes unnoticed. I’m keeping score, and I haven’t forgotten exactly what you owe me.”

I guess now it is time to feel the thrill of the chase.