There was a different sort of writing challenge today that I found. It has been a while since I have done one of these, but the title drew me in. I thought I might share here too.
I have been here on Fet for a while. But not that long in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to get a better idea of what Polyamory was, but I found Kink instead. I was drawn to it. There were feelings I had on the matter from a young age. Like most things inside my mind, I could think about it in a large picture, but couldn’t name it. I had desires and fantasies, but couldn’t connect them.
Then along came the men, the boys, the ones who wanted to teach me all about it. What could I learn from someone almost twenty years younger than me, though?
But I did. I learned that Daddy wasn’t just a word; it was a craving. I learned that it was easy to submit from the walls of my bedroom. Easy to say yes when the person is across the country. Even in playing a role for him, he stretched me; he made me grow. Four years of wrapping my head around what I wanted. Four years of putting the pieces together and understanding where these feelings came from, and the desire I had to be wanted in this way. But the screen became my frustration.
I had moved on to something more real, but still came back to that idea of serving one man, Being chosen by a Daddy. Over the years, I dipped in and out of the community, in and out of the idea that this could be a lifestyle. I never found anything in person that captured the feelings that my online partners have. I have come close, but I always seem to miss out on being chosen, being something more than a toy.
And then I stay here, on Fet, and I create my own world here. I build my own community, and I begin connecting more. Then someone else comes along and changes me. Makes me more active and introduces me to his version of the lifestyle. The kind of no limits, free use, and his way is the only way. And I played my part, played the role well.
And I will never regret it. It has led to more growth, although maybe less trust. But it led me to people here that I can’t imagine my life without. Friends, lovers, and more roles for me to play.
But that is not what I want to say about playing a role versus living a life.
In the beginning, I felt that it was just a role to play, at least for a while. I didn’t think I needed it. It was just a way to spice up sex. And it has always been about sex for me. But I came to find that power exchange, more than anything, is a need. That is how I have grown and evolved. I need that, but from the right person. I have to have the connection for it to work. I have to want to submit to someone.
In the online realm, it felt more and more like a role, and I wanted it to be real. Most online dynamics I have been with seem to be missing a part. How do you force your way into someone’s life when you are not in it physically?
Sometimes, though, it is easier that way. There is a fear inside me that says, I am not worthy of the real thing. I couldn’t handle the lifestyle. I can’t imagine what I would feel like if I did not live up to what they wanted. I would hate to see them no longer desire me. I would hate for that hunger in them to go away because they found me lacking.
I have already felt that in my head on several occasions, and I would rather endure the physical hurt of impact and a good spanking than the hurt inside me from that. That need to have the feelings beat out of me is part of that lifestyle that no roleplaying can come close to.
So the Lifestyle or the Role Play
So, is it a role or a lifestyle for me?
For a long time, I let the screen act as a shield, a way to play the part without risking the person. But the bruises fade, and the roles can be cast aside. What remains is that hunger. The hunger to belong, the quiet, persistent need to be seen, chosen, and held. Held physically and held in a space of protection and accountability.
I’ve learned that I’m no longer just playing a character for someone else’s script; I’m living a life that demands a partner, not just a performer. The fear of being ‘lacking’ is still there, but the fear of never truly being known is finally starting to outweigh it.
The difference between a role and a lifestyle isn’t the kink itself; it’s the stakes.
I used to think the ‘lifestyle’ was about the frequency of the scenes or the intensity of the impact. Now I know it’s about the vulnerability of the space between the strikes. Roleplay is a costume I can take off when the keyboard clicks shut; the lifestyle is the skin I can’t crawl out of. I may still fear the moment a Daddy sees the ‘real’ me and finds her wanting, but I’ve realized that I’d rather be found lacking in his arms than perfect in a digital void.
Because in the end, the most intense power exchange isn’t what happens to my body, it’s giving someone the power to stay.
Lisa Gray 