Breathless

Sometimes it is hard walking into the room pretending confidence you don’t have.

They say “fake it until you make it,” but when am I going to make it, exactly?

I know when. When the time comes, and I am not walking in alone. When I am not by myself anymore on this planet. When I have someone to lean on, I won’t feel that need to lean on someone. That is how it works.

But that is not tonight, not at this moment. Walking in, I feel needy.

I have felt very needy for so long.

But recently, I have come to realize that one man, one person, has invaded my thoughts, and I cannot seem to think about anyone else. And if I am being honest, I don’t want to. There is no need.

I say that I am needy, but not needy enough to try to fill that hole he has left in me. Only he can do that.

Walking up to the bar, though, just in case a drink could help a little. Maybe it could boost my confidence or seep into me. Give me a bit of warmth that I seem to be missing.

There is only a short line. I almost wish it were long. I would love an excuse to not socialize for just a second. My mind is preoccupied, and my hands don’t know what to do, so they fidget with the little black dress that I now feel is too short, the purse strap that runs across my body, and feels so out of place to me. But I need my phone and my keys close by, and there is no room for pockets in this awkwardly form-fitted dress. Can I just be at home, lounging around in my tee and panties? Why am I here?

There was something about the strange invite that drew me in, and I had thought I might know a few people here. But so far I was either staring at a sea of strangers or keeping my head down.

One step closer to the bartender and a drink. I finally looked up and caught the back of the man in front of me. I was making up a story for him in my head. He ordered two drinks, so the story included his lovely wife waiting somewhere in the crowd. She was lucky that she had someone steady who would indulge her in whatever whim she had. She had a date for every event like this she wanted to go to. I wonder if she knew just how lucky she was. To have someone constant. Someone who knew what drink to order for her.

Maybe there was a group of friends, too, that she was waiting with. People, he was not afraid to leave her with, because he is very protective of her and cares so much about her happiness.

As I get closer, I think what a lucky girl this pretend woman is. I can smell him now as he begins to turn around with his drinks in hand. I try to sidestep away so he doesn’t run into me. I still am not really looking up or at him, just this far-away spot in the distance, as I daydream about being that lucky girl.

“Your drink, Baby.”

I am hit suddenly by that voice. I struggle to realize that this man is talking to me. I almost think I am still daydreaming until I look up to see that face smiling at me and handing me a glass of red wine.

I am not one to say no to a glass of wine and the thought of having him to lean on tonight.

‘Thank you, Daddy’ was the last thing out of my mouth before he would begin to make me breathless in so many ways.