I was reading something just now. It was a letter of appreciation for life and where someone is now versus the very dark place they were without the love of their life.
It was a lovely writing and positive and full of good emotions, but I couldn’t help being disturbed in a way. Nothing to do with them or their experience, but with me and how I experience things. I remember feeling like the world wasn’t worth living in because I hadn’t found my person. because I hadn’t reached all the measures of success my mother put on us.
I have been watching my mother this week and seeing her relationships and attitudes with men, and it reminded me how clueless I was back then to this pattern in our family. My grandmother was the same way. Men defined us and validated us if you look at their lessons. You needed a man in your life.
I can’t lie, there have been some dark times in this past year, thinking I found love with someone that was impossible to love, and I wasn’t sure how my life would move forward without some type of connection to them. I like to think that I am growing, that I am moving past this, but I am not really sure.
Outwardly, I am. Outwardly, I am trying to show my kids that they can be happy and strong on their own and they don’t have to depend on someone else for their own happiness. Someone can come and add to it, but they don’t have to have someone to have a life worth living.
Lisa Gray 