I knew it from the start. When that first boy wanted to take me behind the churchyard. When he wanted to devour me in private and make fun of me in public. Silly boy making fun of my red hair when his was almost as red as mine.
A handful of others who liked to use me for a second. The boy who did not stand a chance of me being nice to him because I was already taught I was only wanted in the dark.
The dreams of my aunt’s neighbor coming to steal drug money, but finding me to use.
Then the one that had more control, endurance, and stamina than any high school boy had a right to. He liked to punch my thighs, and I somehow did not seem to mind.
I struggled in college. No interest in anyone in particular, only the unattainable one. That has not left me completely. Much easier to fall for those who don’t like me. I don’t have to act or put in effort, and it is much easier to believe that I am not worthy. It doesn’t matter whether I think it or not anymore, and I mostly don’t.
When my husband came around, I was perplexed. Why does this person want me? He made me wait for it. He seeped in his love and affection bit by bit until I was more whole. It was much easier to be adventurous that way. Much easier to see myself as worthy. I love him, love him for everything he has given me.
But I knew I couldn’t get away from the want. I had a gay boy who crushed on me in high school. He made me mixed tapes and wrote me poetry. I didn’t appreciate it then nearly enough. But once I was made more whole, I found that again. I have had people put in the effort of creating words for me, and I have had the pleasure of calling someone Daddy and meaning it in a certain way.
I have had people manipulate me, too. Objectify me, use me, and I admit, I like it on my terms. I like the idea of someone taking that much effort. I like the idea of someone choosing me for their games.
But I like more. So much more. I want all of it. I want the scene, the dynamic, the punching and hitting, the games, and I want toe aftercare. I am willing to give as good as I get, but I am ready for my toy and princess phase.
Lisa Gray 