I have had this title saved in my drafts for a while now. I wasn’t really sure what I was thinking. Mostly, I was just reminded about energy and the recipromantic nature that I have. I am more prone to fall in love or have romantic feelings for someone when they show obvious signs of loving me back. This is true of my sexuality. To be really into someone, I need to feed off of their energy.
But this morning, I was walking into my building at work holding a venti Starbucks cup in one hand and a coffee cup from home in another with a protein drink mixed with coffee that has some sort of added energy and focus boost. The energy I have available to me on any given day is low. This has gotten worse in the last few years for a number of physical and mental reasons. Hours of driving to work and a day of sitting in office chairs in meetings wipe me out completely. This is why I made a deal to only do it one day a week, and then I look for any excuse not to do it.
I feel guilty sometimes, especially with my kids, about the amount of energy I can give to them. I do a lot of pushing for them to do things they never see me do. It is confusing, especially for the younger one who understandably has a hard time walking in someone else’s shoes. After a heated discussion with her, I let this guilt push me to do more housework. I had already started packing up things to move out, and my bathroom was my next target. Cleaning my bath while soaking in it didn’t seem to be a problem at all, but I found that the soak was necessary after attempting to mop the kitchen floor. I was reminded of why I stopped doing it. I immediately felt achy all over, but especially my back, and I was drained by 15 minutes of work. I am someone who works out and does weight training and can walk at least 4 miles at a time. I do not understand what my body is doing to me, simply sweeping and mopping a small rectangular area. If I don’t understand it, then I know no one in my family does either.
There are a lot of these physical things that drain us, but there are also many more mental feats we do every day that deplete the energy we have to give. These can add up over time when you are not giving yourself the needed breaks. You feel you are in constant crisis mode. My issue now is that my body will stop me from cycling through these crises even if I don’t.
Lisa Gray 