Returning to a few thoughts I had in the past months. That feeling of being alone with myself and pondering what I want my life to look like. I have written a lot about this transition, and let me just remind you, I am here journaling, so I am just throwing out whatever is on my mind.
As you can see, I am thinking about this a lot because I am close to that point where I have an easy opportunity to go a different direction. But life can sometimes remind you that you are not free yet.
In these times, I find it interesting how much I feel that weight on my shoulders, and I somehow wish I were burdened with more physical weight.
My body has been my own for a while now, and I struggle with the idea that it will be some time before I give it to the one I want to give it to. And even though I have experienced life full of letting people take what they need so I can feel of value, I am seeing that the direction I want to go is different. I want to be seen and valued despite what I can give.
But I do have so much to give for that one who wants to take. The one that shows me I am worth the effort, that I am enough.
I want so much to be pushed down and restrained. Smothered with their body.
Make me feel tied up and held. There is so much safety and comfort from those feelings.
It is odd because I wasn’t held growing up. I feel uncomfortable when my kids ask for hugs, but I do my best not to make it awkward.
I don’t always like touching people, but I need touch so much from the right person to feel cared for. I want that feeling again.
Lisa Gray 