On my way to work today, I had songs that randomly came on, making me think about being a teenager again. All the angst and melancholy fed into me through music at the time. But lots of rebellious feelings, too.
But what I find myself thinking about is more the obsessive nature I had back then. Before I met my husband, boys and love and affection were all I could think about. I had too much attention as a child in this area, but then it went away as a teen. I was too in my own head with obsessing over it and wanting it because I never got any healthy type of love.
As I continue in the grips of menopause hormones, I find some of these feelings coming back, including an almost obsessive compulsion towards love and affection. Parts of that are missing from my life. Sometimes it is my own choosing, I am shutting out a lot of people, focusing on one crisis at a time, and other hormones and getting older are making me live closely with feelings of being overwhelmed. Life wasn’t always like that. I keep hoping to read somewhere or see examples of this passing, but I haven’t yet.
So for now, I will sit in this teenage existence with the resources of an actual adult and hope I do not get too rebellious and screw something up. I will find healthy ways to obsess over things. I will try to stretch my patience skills and hope for a reprieve.
Lisa Gray 