I am not ok and maybe that is ok

I find myself in a strange position today. A crossroads. I knew it was coming. I have been worried about it for the past year and gearing up for it.

But for the first time in 30 years, I have no romantic partners. The juxtaposition of a dynamic ending this week and watching my mom decline and demand more and more attention has me feeling all sorts of ways about it.

It can be difficult being submissive and a bit on the spectrum when you are pulled into a fantasy and headspace, and then you are pushed out of it. Add to that the hypervigilance that comes with abuse, and it is hard having those feelings of being drawn into that space and then feeling them pull back and watching patterns develop. Then the waiting for direction, and each of you is waiting for the other person to open up so you can too. Waiting to see interest in who you are.

I am not going to accept less than that kind of effort. I am not going to accept much of anything, really, for a while. Honestly, there will be a lot of writing and sleep depression, and more isolation, and catering to everyone else’s needs. Long baths and staying away from the wine glass as much as I can.

I am always thinking of the positive, though. I appreciate the ending of this one and staying friends. I should have taken more time with the ending of the last one. It is hard when you are with a partner who doesn’t care or understand the way they change your behavior. Diving into dynamics, it is important to pick those who understand there may be a time you won’t be together, and they need to be there to help with the aftercare of that. You need aftercare for more than just scenes.

That is a big part of my idea to slow down on that other site. I enjoy connecting with people and writing and sharing, but so much of my exhibitionism there is learned behavior from someone who wanted to use me and wanted me to gain followers to grow their presence, and me trying to get attention from partners and not being able to separate out my past to focus on my future.

I am attracted to those manipulators and the emotional masochism of it all, and dive into those types of relationships, but I have to take the time to deprogram from that.