(Warning: Very much a ramble)
Enjoying my day off and daydreaming today, a lot. Thinking about a lot of things all at once. Thinking about how the puzzle pieces of my life fit together.
I was spurred into thought by several conversations today. First, I was talking to my trainer. I have known her for over 6 years and she knows everything about me. She always asks me how things are going. She wants to know what has happened over the days I haven’t seen her. The weekend was filled with hard family things and some fun. I am getting closer to a point where hard family things won’t be the norm and wondering if I will remember how I will live my life after that.
Running through the weekend has me reflecting on the past and present. I can sometimes hang on to stuff a little too long. She asked about a few of my partners and I am very happy how things are progressing with one of them. Conversations were also had with him about the directions we were going. It is such a fun and scary thing to have those conversations. Part of this is hanging on to the past. Seeing things that could have happened and not yet ready to let go of them.
But sometimes you do have to let go. Another gem from another conversation. Being poly sometimes makes us think we have endless possibilities, but we don’t. We only have one life and only so much bandwidth. Lately, I have been thinking about that more. Saying no more and saving my energy for those that count.
It can sometimes hurt when you realize that others are doing the same. It hurts to think that you somehow made it to a place not to count anymore. I try to remember when I go through these phases and have some empathy for my partners when they take a step back. But at some point, you have to see that the relationship may be something you are holding on to and it may be better left to the past. It is hard making that decision.
But as someone shared today from Emily Dickinson, “Forever is composed of nows.” Maybe I should let my brain settle and understand that things that are meant for me will be mine, and I can enjoy the Now without digging into the past or trying to speed through to the future.
Lisa Gray 