So time to admit a few things. I am an overthinker. Probably not surprised. Another thing to admit, my Daddy is also a writer and I met him through fangirling over his work.
I can say now that I am not the fangirl I once was as I get to know more of the real him. This is a good thing. I can see him for who he is and not just the writer I used to put up on a pedestal. Part of my dynamic with him is to journal every day and it helps me practice writing and think of subjects to write about here. He has actually been the one that encouraged me to write more.
One of the things I do in the journal is react to some of the writings he posts. Today’s journal was about a post where he talks about how we are attracted to more than just things that are skin deep. This really hit me.
Part of my overthinking brain worries more about what people think of me on the inside versus how I look. I have to admit another thing. I can have a few narcissistic tendencies. I happen to think I do have a pretty face, especially for someone my age. I am almost a golden girl and I sometimes get asked if I am in the group of kinksters that are 35 and younger. I won’t lie, it is nice to be complimented and feel young sometimes. but I do worry more about my personality.
When my mind starts to overthink, I ask myself:
Do I fascinate your mind?
Do you see value in me?
Do you truly know all of me and still want me and not just for sexting?
Do you get pulled in by the twists and turns my mind can take, or
Do I just bore you and have you ignored my entries most of the time?
All these things run through my head but especially, those feelings of value and true connection. My mind always second-guesses that. Part of it is a projection of past and current relationships where people have used me as a toy. I find that fun, but I need a balance. When I have feelings for someone, I want to be more than just a toy. When they say they have feelings for me, I want to see that I am more than just a toy.
Lisa Gray 