Fear

I just finished reading a post about kink being “safe enough,” especially for those with PTSD, ADHD, or other types of neurodivergencies. I was playing around in my head this week with my emotional masochism and this read made it more intersting.

I have never been diagnosed with anything, but I see patterns in me that point to things beyond just PTSD from childhood trauma. Much of what the article mentioned about predictability, rules, and being safe enough, even when it will never be perfect, interested me a lot.

Part of my emotional masochism and interest in fear play is taking away that predictability. It is about triggering the hypervigilance and fear that leads to freezing and fawning. I want to be scared and disregulated at least in small moments.

If my whole relationship is that, I will burn out. I think this is why you see so many dynamics end after a year or two. It is hard for some people to live within these parameters forever, especially if you allow (yes, we allow it and do it to ourselves sometimes) or are forced to be a kink dispenser and not seen as a human that needs breaks and to be considered at some point. And that is not just something that happens on one side of the slash.