I have this thing about being a masochist that I never would have expected of myself. It is part of being an emotional masochist more than a pain slut, but every now and then, I need someone to hit that reset button.
It has a lot to do with overthinking and feeling some insecurity in a relationship or dynamic. It can also just be the feeling of being stuck in a rut. A feeling of being trapped or missing out on something. There are all sorts of feelings that might trigger me wanting that reset, and maybe sometimes they all combine together.
What I need is to remember that I am owned. I need to feel some sort of way to help me tap into something greater than what I am as an individual. I want to feel that I matter. I want to feel that I am providing something to someone.
Impact play helps me feel the impact I have on someone else.
This is especially true when I am in an online dynamic. If I can’t see them and feed off their reactions, it becomes more difficult to make this reset happen. I have to take it upon myself to do it with them in my head so I can feel them doing what I am doing with my own hands.
My hands are not as good as theirs, though, and I try to be patient for the time when I can feel them show me how they need to hurt me to help me.
Lisa Gray 