I have been reflecting on dynamics lately. I had a writing prompt for a story yesterday, The Contract. Technically I have never had a contract. Nothing in writing that I could hold onto or look back on.
I have had a few dynamics, though, and a few situationships. I find it interesting that this step of the contract has been skipped. Part of that is me and not wanting to beg for it or a collar. I want somebody to want that from me.
This also made me think about other things in my experience. They might not be the same as what others have experienced. Experiences where steps have been skipped.
A lot of this has to do with me and the way I submit to someone at least when I find someone I truly want to submit to in that way. I am usually referred to as the obedient one. I go with the flow and do as I am told until I get to the point of burnout or feeling strongly enough about something that I use the word No. It doesn’t happen very often but it does happen and I am not afraid to use that word when I need to.
In my first dynamic, I spent a lot of time vetting in my own way. Building up to it with lots of conversations and watching my Sir with other people. We spent at least a year as friends hanging out with kids and mutual friends, seeing each other at parties, and generally getting to know each other and me getting to know his wife which was an important part for me in figuring out I could submit to a woman. I loved our dynamic and getting to be with both of them.
But part of the Oops was I spent so much time in the getting-to-know-them phase. Some of the steps they would normally take with others didn’t happen for us. I had a document where I laid out what I liked and would agree to. They commented on it. We used this as a basis for negotiations and we communicated well at the start to continue this process. But we never had a contract. My Sir also has a spreadsheet, which he took a lot of time developing. He uses this to help him in negotiating play with others. I never saw this spreadsheet until I helped him teach a class for beginners maybe a year into the dynamic. It wasn’t until years after the dynamic ended that I filled it out myself. I loved how we played so I never missed that we did not do this. But oops.
I found it pretty funny at the time, especially in the middle of teaching a class and trying to share my experience as a sub.
Fast forward to the next dynamic. Online made the getting to know you and vetting a bit of a problem for me. But we did spend time chatting. I did pay attention to his activities online before agreeing to anything. But another Oops. I do not want to go into too much detail here. However, I will say it has been interesting to watch the experiences of his other subs. I believe their experiences, but I notice mine was not the same. There were critical pieces of the puzzle that were left out for me which made a big difference in how I saw the dynamic. If one particular oops didn’t happen, I am not sure how I would feel now.
But, everything is a learning experience and I am glad for that. This has got me thinking about my behavior and my personality type, though. Is there a way that I submit to someone that makes the oops happen? At the same time, I am glad that I have been with people who saw me as a person and did not just shove a playbook in my face and treat me like everyone else.
Now I am curious and anxious for the next connection and to see if I get the full experience of the dynamic and the person. Will we forge our own path or play it by the book?
Lisa Gray 